The following is a true story. Honest to god, you can't make this shit up. I've included screen shots so that you can physically see the level of stupidity that some guys are capable of. These are the douches that generally give men a bad name altogether. Just know: I try not to categorize people in such a way until I've really gotten to know them, and am fully confident that they deserve the title of "Douchebag Supreme."
Here's a little backstory so you can fully comprehend the situation I'm about to throw at you. Months ago...MONTHS....we're talking Christmastime here, I sort of hooked up with this guy. I say sort of because we never actually had sex even though we did do other things. The night this guy came over a friend of mine was also in my house, asleep on my couch while we all watched a movie. (I know this part doesn't seem relevant, but trust me, it is.) Midway through the movie we went upstairs to mess around. We mess around, he goes home, and I only occasionally hear from him every now and again.
The other night, this guy hits me up out of the blue, asking me if I still think about him, and the night that we messed around. Sure, sometimes, I guess. Who doesn't occasionally think about old hookups? He tries to pull some BS about how he didn't think his 'body was up to par" or some nonsense like that. Like I don't know what you're tying to do? Buddy, I'm smarter than you think. I can tell when a dude is going in a round about way of trying to get laid. Not my first time around the block there, darling.
So I come right out with it, "Are you saying you want a re-do? This seems like a challenge accepted kind of moment."
I'm a pretty straight forward chick when it comes to stuff like this. I don't like to beat around the bush. Anyway, here's how it goes down from here. I've got the screen shots below, and I'll add comments where necessary.
Okay. So here's the Challenge accepted moment over on the left. The guy is the writing on the left side, and I'm on the right side, in case you needed clarification. My bigger paragraph there obviously had some spelling issues. It's SUPPOSED to read as "That does something for you. The bigger question is what will you do for me?"
Here's a little backstory so you can fully comprehend the situation I'm about to throw at you. Months ago...MONTHS....we're talking Christmastime here, I sort of hooked up with this guy. I say sort of because we never actually had sex even though we did do other things. The night this guy came over a friend of mine was also in my house, asleep on my couch while we all watched a movie. (I know this part doesn't seem relevant, but trust me, it is.) Midway through the movie we went upstairs to mess around. We mess around, he goes home, and I only occasionally hear from him every now and again.
The other night, this guy hits me up out of the blue, asking me if I still think about him, and the night that we messed around. Sure, sometimes, I guess. Who doesn't occasionally think about old hookups? He tries to pull some BS about how he didn't think his 'body was up to par" or some nonsense like that. Like I don't know what you're tying to do? Buddy, I'm smarter than you think. I can tell when a dude is going in a round about way of trying to get laid. Not my first time around the block there, darling.
So I come right out with it, "Are you saying you want a re-do? This seems like a challenge accepted kind of moment."
I'm a pretty straight forward chick when it comes to stuff like this. I don't like to beat around the bush. Anyway, here's how it goes down from here. I've got the screen shots below, and I'll add comments where necessary.
Okay. So here's the Challenge accepted moment over on the left. The guy is the writing on the left side, and I'm on the right side, in case you needed clarification. My bigger paragraph there obviously had some spelling issues. It's SUPPOSED to read as "That does something for you. The bigger question is what will you do for me?"
HOLD UP. WAIT A SECOND HERE - Are you SERIOUSLY telling me that you KNOW I want your dick in my mouth?? Really dude? You've got some fucking balls. What kind of society do we live in where guys feel comfortable enough to say shit like this to girls? That is a whole separate rant entirely. Let's continue. At the end, he finally realizes that if we do have such an encounter, it needs to be a give and take sort of scenario. If we're messing around, I'm getting something equally good out of the deal. I blacked out what he said; it's a little vulgar and for the record, does not include an offer of sex which is something I think is really weird coming from a twenty-something-year-old male.
At this point, I lose interest since it's become obvious to me that he's a mega doucher. I ignore him, a while goes by and he hits me up with a "Heyyy." Have I explained the meaning of the Y's in "Heyyy" before? I'm not sure if I have, but it goes something like this: The more y's there are at the end of the hey, the more likely this person is to be down to fuck.
Sigh. Seriously? Again dude? Take a fucking hint.
I ignore him still, he persists still. So, me being me, I decide "I'm going to mess around with this douche." I don't mean this in the sexy, "Oh come on over, tiger!" sense of the word. I mean in the "I'm gonna let you embarrass the fuck out of yourself and enjoy every second" sense of the word.
The second image is me letting him how how big of a dick he is, in a roundabout way, as a way of warning him, "Hey bro, you're about to step in some shit that you can't get out of, you'd better watch out."
At this point, I lose interest since it's become obvious to me that he's a mega doucher. I ignore him, a while goes by and he hits me up with a "Heyyy." Have I explained the meaning of the Y's in "Heyyy" before? I'm not sure if I have, but it goes something like this: The more y's there are at the end of the hey, the more likely this person is to be down to fuck.
Sigh. Seriously? Again dude? Take a fucking hint.
I ignore him still, he persists still. So, me being me, I decide "I'm going to mess around with this douche." I don't mean this in the sexy, "Oh come on over, tiger!" sense of the word. I mean in the "I'm gonna let you embarrass the fuck out of yourself and enjoy every second" sense of the word.
The second image is me letting him how how big of a dick he is, in a roundabout way, as a way of warning him, "Hey bro, you're about to step in some shit that you can't get out of, you'd better watch out."
Here's where the money starts to come into play. This kid started his own TV show on an internet website. I won't say who or what or where you can find this, just know - it IS fairly popular and I'm assuming he's done pretty well with it.
Let me tell you another thing. I fucking HATE it when people tell me that they're sorry more than once. Don't keep apologizing - don't keep saying sorry and that "I know." Say sorry for whatever shit you've pulled and let's move on with our lives. If there's anything that I really hate in this world, it's dwelling on stupid shit for forever and a day. Okay? Okay.
Let me tell you another thing. I fucking HATE it when people tell me that they're sorry more than once. Don't keep apologizing - don't keep saying sorry and that "I know." Say sorry for whatever shit you've pulled and let's move on with our lives. If there's anything that I really hate in this world, it's dwelling on stupid shit for forever and a day. Okay? Okay.
Please keep in mind that all of this is a set up. That I am, indeed not stupid enough to fall for some BS like this. I was just thoroughly enjoying the fact that this guy really thought he was getting anywhere with me.
Let me be incredibly clear here. Offering me a ride in a Lambo? Totally do-able...EXCEPT..either his dad, or his friend owns one. I'm not sure whom, but it sure as hell isn't registered in his name. THIS DUDE IS REALLY TRYING TO IMPRESS ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S CAR! REALLY!
So, you're trying to get into my pants by bringing me out for what can only be described as a prepubescent fantasy of a girl sucking your dick because a car (not even YOUR car!!!) makes her panties wet? Is that what you're saying to me? That a piece of machinery is going to make me want to put your dirty bits into my mouth?!
Hold up, let's get serious about this.
If you've got money, and you want to flaunt it, go ahead. If you've got cars, money, boats, planes or trains, and you want to show that shit off to the world, go ahead my friend. I'm not stopping you.
What I AM going to stop you from, is trying to impress me with that garbage, like it really makes a difference in anything.
What's really hilarious about the whole car thing up above, is that I can really truly appreciate a car. I grew up learning about cars, I've dated dudes who are obsessed with cars. I've got friends who work on cars. I've been to car shows. Fancy cars are not a new concept to me. And while I am impressed by that, and certainly do have a desire to drive one of those cars, it by no means implies that I am going to be thinking of your man parts while enjoying this particular activity.
So if you think that throwing around a fancy word like 'Lambo' is going to make me drop my panties for you, get on my knees and open my mouth..you've got another thing coming dude.
Sure, some chicks might be impressed by that. Flaunting what you've got. Throwing money and labels around. Your watch. Your car. Your job title. Whatever the hell it is you're trying to show off. Some girls really dig that nonsense. Some girls will fall for this nonsense because of the, I don't know, apparent sense of security that your money offers them. They see that you can pay for things that they might want and cannot get on their own. They are willing to subject themselves to lowering their standards and their own self worth by doing sexual favors for these clowns. It send a message of "I can get you something like this, if you'll just....(Insert sexual content here)."
I am NOT one of these girls. The material things that you own may impress me, but no way in hell is that going to effect what I think about you, or what I do for you, in or out of the bedroom. I do not cater to your needs. I do not cater to your desires. You are not my man, and you do not get that luxury. Thinking that throwing some weak ass game like that is going to get you anywhere with me, you're out of your God damned mind. And to be so blatantly obvious about your intentions about that? That's gutsy. I truly abhor guys who feel like I'm not intelligent enough to catch on to the weak-ass game that they're playing. Bro, I'm probably, most definitely, smarter than you. If you think you're going to pull one over on me, you sure as hell aren't. Get out of here with that shit.
If you want to impress me, you're going to need to step it up to a whole new level. Showing off your stuff isn't going to cut it. All that says to me is that you're capable of holding down a job long enough to save money to buy luxurious things that you really have no business owning in our age bracket.
If you want to impress me, you're going to have to put in time, and effort. You're going to need to show me that you care about me as a person, and not as a booty call. I have officially grown out of my booty call stage, for the most part. I don't need random hook ups, or late nights out doing sketchy things in sketchy places. That doesn't appeal to me. What appeals to me is you learning how I like my coffee, or what I like on my bagel. I want you to know my favorite color and what I use for body wash. I want you to offer to spend time with my kid, get to know him. If you want to impress me, you'll offer to take my car to the car wash for me, or show up on a random day with my favorite flowers. You'll want to stay the night and cuddle close to me, instead of just having sex.
To impress me, you'll have to show me that you're a grown ass man capable of putting in time, effort, and energy to earn my affection. I give back what I get; if you put in the effort, so won't I. A man can do more than just buy things and show them off. He can provide, support, and care. That's what I'm looking for in a man that I spend time with.
That concludes my rant. Down below, I've included the rest of the screen shots from that conversation. I think they're pretty self-explanatory. I just really wanted to drive home the point of how a weak game is going to get you no where.
Let me be incredibly clear here. Offering me a ride in a Lambo? Totally do-able...EXCEPT..either his dad, or his friend owns one. I'm not sure whom, but it sure as hell isn't registered in his name. THIS DUDE IS REALLY TRYING TO IMPRESS ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S CAR! REALLY!
So, you're trying to get into my pants by bringing me out for what can only be described as a prepubescent fantasy of a girl sucking your dick because a car (not even YOUR car!!!) makes her panties wet? Is that what you're saying to me? That a piece of machinery is going to make me want to put your dirty bits into my mouth?!
Hold up, let's get serious about this.
If you've got money, and you want to flaunt it, go ahead. If you've got cars, money, boats, planes or trains, and you want to show that shit off to the world, go ahead my friend. I'm not stopping you.
What I AM going to stop you from, is trying to impress me with that garbage, like it really makes a difference in anything.
What's really hilarious about the whole car thing up above, is that I can really truly appreciate a car. I grew up learning about cars, I've dated dudes who are obsessed with cars. I've got friends who work on cars. I've been to car shows. Fancy cars are not a new concept to me. And while I am impressed by that, and certainly do have a desire to drive one of those cars, it by no means implies that I am going to be thinking of your man parts while enjoying this particular activity.
So if you think that throwing around a fancy word like 'Lambo' is going to make me drop my panties for you, get on my knees and open my mouth..you've got another thing coming dude.
Sure, some chicks might be impressed by that. Flaunting what you've got. Throwing money and labels around. Your watch. Your car. Your job title. Whatever the hell it is you're trying to show off. Some girls really dig that nonsense. Some girls will fall for this nonsense because of the, I don't know, apparent sense of security that your money offers them. They see that you can pay for things that they might want and cannot get on their own. They are willing to subject themselves to lowering their standards and their own self worth by doing sexual favors for these clowns. It send a message of "I can get you something like this, if you'll just....(Insert sexual content here)."
I am NOT one of these girls. The material things that you own may impress me, but no way in hell is that going to effect what I think about you, or what I do for you, in or out of the bedroom. I do not cater to your needs. I do not cater to your desires. You are not my man, and you do not get that luxury. Thinking that throwing some weak ass game like that is going to get you anywhere with me, you're out of your God damned mind. And to be so blatantly obvious about your intentions about that? That's gutsy. I truly abhor guys who feel like I'm not intelligent enough to catch on to the weak-ass game that they're playing. Bro, I'm probably, most definitely, smarter than you. If you think you're going to pull one over on me, you sure as hell aren't. Get out of here with that shit.
If you want to impress me, you're going to need to step it up to a whole new level. Showing off your stuff isn't going to cut it. All that says to me is that you're capable of holding down a job long enough to save money to buy luxurious things that you really have no business owning in our age bracket.
If you want to impress me, you're going to have to put in time, and effort. You're going to need to show me that you care about me as a person, and not as a booty call. I have officially grown out of my booty call stage, for the most part. I don't need random hook ups, or late nights out doing sketchy things in sketchy places. That doesn't appeal to me. What appeals to me is you learning how I like my coffee, or what I like on my bagel. I want you to know my favorite color and what I use for body wash. I want you to offer to spend time with my kid, get to know him. If you want to impress me, you'll offer to take my car to the car wash for me, or show up on a random day with my favorite flowers. You'll want to stay the night and cuddle close to me, instead of just having sex.
To impress me, you'll have to show me that you're a grown ass man capable of putting in time, effort, and energy to earn my affection. I give back what I get; if you put in the effort, so won't I. A man can do more than just buy things and show them off. He can provide, support, and care. That's what I'm looking for in a man that I spend time with.
That concludes my rant. Down below, I've included the rest of the screen shots from that conversation. I think they're pretty self-explanatory. I just really wanted to drive home the point of how a weak game is going to get you no where.