I want it to be easy. I don’t want to work so hard for it. I want to be able to sleep. I want to know that I don’t have to ever second guess myself, or my relationship.
I want to wake up, every single day, feeling like I can face the world.
I want to throw on a pair of clothes and not have to second, triple, quadruple guess myself about how I look. Why does my butt look big in these jeans but not these? Ugh, this muffin top thing…am I imagining that? Is that really there? Thank God for Scrubs. They hide everything.
I want a partner who makes me feel good about myself - who doesn’t just tell me that I’m sexy when we’re in bed. I want someone who knows that when I put on my black nightgown, it’s because I’m trying to remind myself that I am a beautiful person, inside and out. Someone who doesn’t necessarily overdo it on the fact that I’m having a shitty self-image day, but can make do something small to make me feel better about myself.
How great would it be for someone to know that I don’t like to eat breakfast very early in the morning? That I can’t actually stomach food until about ten o’clock? And know which ways I prefer my two favorite bagels, although if I could, I’d survive off of coffee instead. Plain bagel with strawberry cream cheese, or an everything with plain cream cheese, by the way.
How awesome would it be to have someone to come home to? Someone who makes sure that I eat healthy, and regularly, because they know how caught up in life I can sometimes get? Just someone to put a plate of fresh fruit and a candy bar next to me while I sit up all hours of the night studying? Someone who supports my goals and dreams, and actually takes a genuine interest in what I want to do with life….once I figure out exactly what that might be.
I want to be able to curl up close to someone at night – maybe they went to bed hours before I did. I can’t ever sleep. I’ve always got too much going on in my life, or in my brain, for something as trivial as sleep. Anyway, maybe they’re already asleep, and it’s already nice and warm under the covers and I can just snuggle in close and maybe just maybe fall asleep in a few minutes because I can finally feel safe in my own home.
I want to feel like I actually have a handle on things. That I can really do this whole grown up, mom, worker, student, partner thing and actually be confident in my abilities to do them. I’ve been “fake it till you make it” for so long, that I’m not entirely sure what’s real anymore.
It’d be awesome to get a random gift every now and again. I do that sort of crap for guys I date all of the time. Oh that video game? Oh that movie? Book? Ticket to a show? CD? Lunch? You’ve got it buddy. I’m always in these relationships where I’m the primary giver. Sometimes it’d be nice to get something because it’s a Thursday and I’ve been murdering myself all week juggling my life, and they heard me say how much I’d like this, or how cool that is, and they thought, “Hey, let me get this for her. She deserves it.” I wonder what the hell that might be like.
I want world peace. I want a cure for cancer. I want to end hunger. I want to travel the world and write about all of the horrible, beautiful things that I see. I want to take pictures, and smile, and be the subject of someone else’s picture. I want to be happy. All of the time happy. I want to handle stress in a healthy way, and put a smile on a stranger’s face. I want to let go of the past and move on with my life. I want to accept the things that I cannot change and know that I am better off for not being able to. I want to write books and sit in cozy libraries, and watch someone’s face as they study the words that I write, to see the emotions that play over their face as they read my tales.
I used to have dance parties with my kid. Randomly. Making dinner, cleaning up. We’d just start dancing. Someone might sing along and get a little crazy. I miss that. We never have dance parties anymore.
I want a house full of happy people. I want to feed those people a big meal and entertain them and all sit outside and share some drinks while we watch kids playing games we used to play. I want to join in on the games, the young versus the older, teach them how it’s done.
I want to get lost in the woods. I want to find myself in the woods. On the road. In the ocean. In a beautiful place that takes your breath away and makes you wonder how on earth you have ever existed without ever seeing this place before. Someplace simple – but magical.
I want to share my tastes in music with someone. Just lay down one day on the floor and take turns playing songs and telling each other why they’re great. Just feeling the music and knowing the stories and the feelings behind why the other person likes it. Take me to your favorite place. Tell me why it’s the greatest place on earth.
I want someone who knows that I am infinitesimally better at writing how I feel about things, than talking about them. I want someone who knows that you’ve got to practically use the Socratic Method to get my feelings out of me. But knows that when something really truly bothers me, I’ll make sure you know. I want to stand up for what I believe in. Have healthy debates and lively conversations.
There’s so much more. The list could go on and on forever.
I’m over games. I’m over ‘talking’. I’m over questioning every little thing. If you want me in your life, you’ll make it known, won’t you? If you want to be a part of all or some of these things (because let’s admit it, friends can do a lot of these things) you’ll say something, won’t you?
As much as I’d die to be a mind reader (I want to be a mind reader. And fly. And refill things. And maybe occasionally turn invisible) I am not any of those things. I won’t know something unless you come right out and say it. I can’t do any of these things until I break out of my occasionally uncomfortable shell. And if you think I’m awkward, or I’m boring, I can promise you that I’m not.
I may have not been a lot of places or done a whole lot of your ‘normal’ things but I can promise you that I am interesting. I’ve had an interesting story that comes into play where all of my wants are concerned. No one gets to where they are just by standing still, do they? We’ve all come from some place. We’ve all seen things, and they are different things and all of them are wonderful and horrible and beautiful – no one’s story is just a page or two long.
If you think that of me, you should either put me back on the shelf for someone else to pick up, or try looking a little deeper. Write your name in the back of that book, say “Yes, I want to know more. I want to experience this and be a part of this.” Otherwise, you’ll never know. I’ll never know. We’ll never know. I do know that I am tired of being stuck in the balance – on the shelf or in your hand.
Make your intentions known. Be bold.
If you enjoyed this post, I recommend you explore a little more. I post more frequently the to DEAR section - there you can also find a form where you can sign up to get e-mails every time I update.
Those post also tend to be more realistic - whereas the ones in this section are more fictional than anything. Happy Reading & thanks for checking this out! Feel free to leave comments!
I want to wake up, every single day, feeling like I can face the world.
I want to throw on a pair of clothes and not have to second, triple, quadruple guess myself about how I look. Why does my butt look big in these jeans but not these? Ugh, this muffin top thing…am I imagining that? Is that really there? Thank God for Scrubs. They hide everything.
I want a partner who makes me feel good about myself - who doesn’t just tell me that I’m sexy when we’re in bed. I want someone who knows that when I put on my black nightgown, it’s because I’m trying to remind myself that I am a beautiful person, inside and out. Someone who doesn’t necessarily overdo it on the fact that I’m having a shitty self-image day, but can make do something small to make me feel better about myself.
How great would it be for someone to know that I don’t like to eat breakfast very early in the morning? That I can’t actually stomach food until about ten o’clock? And know which ways I prefer my two favorite bagels, although if I could, I’d survive off of coffee instead. Plain bagel with strawberry cream cheese, or an everything with plain cream cheese, by the way.
How awesome would it be to have someone to come home to? Someone who makes sure that I eat healthy, and regularly, because they know how caught up in life I can sometimes get? Just someone to put a plate of fresh fruit and a candy bar next to me while I sit up all hours of the night studying? Someone who supports my goals and dreams, and actually takes a genuine interest in what I want to do with life….once I figure out exactly what that might be.
I want to be able to curl up close to someone at night – maybe they went to bed hours before I did. I can’t ever sleep. I’ve always got too much going on in my life, or in my brain, for something as trivial as sleep. Anyway, maybe they’re already asleep, and it’s already nice and warm under the covers and I can just snuggle in close and maybe just maybe fall asleep in a few minutes because I can finally feel safe in my own home.
I want to feel like I actually have a handle on things. That I can really do this whole grown up, mom, worker, student, partner thing and actually be confident in my abilities to do them. I’ve been “fake it till you make it” for so long, that I’m not entirely sure what’s real anymore.
It’d be awesome to get a random gift every now and again. I do that sort of crap for guys I date all of the time. Oh that video game? Oh that movie? Book? Ticket to a show? CD? Lunch? You’ve got it buddy. I’m always in these relationships where I’m the primary giver. Sometimes it’d be nice to get something because it’s a Thursday and I’ve been murdering myself all week juggling my life, and they heard me say how much I’d like this, or how cool that is, and they thought, “Hey, let me get this for her. She deserves it.” I wonder what the hell that might be like.
I want world peace. I want a cure for cancer. I want to end hunger. I want to travel the world and write about all of the horrible, beautiful things that I see. I want to take pictures, and smile, and be the subject of someone else’s picture. I want to be happy. All of the time happy. I want to handle stress in a healthy way, and put a smile on a stranger’s face. I want to let go of the past and move on with my life. I want to accept the things that I cannot change and know that I am better off for not being able to. I want to write books and sit in cozy libraries, and watch someone’s face as they study the words that I write, to see the emotions that play over their face as they read my tales.
I used to have dance parties with my kid. Randomly. Making dinner, cleaning up. We’d just start dancing. Someone might sing along and get a little crazy. I miss that. We never have dance parties anymore.
I want a house full of happy people. I want to feed those people a big meal and entertain them and all sit outside and share some drinks while we watch kids playing games we used to play. I want to join in on the games, the young versus the older, teach them how it’s done.
I want to get lost in the woods. I want to find myself in the woods. On the road. In the ocean. In a beautiful place that takes your breath away and makes you wonder how on earth you have ever existed without ever seeing this place before. Someplace simple – but magical.
I want to share my tastes in music with someone. Just lay down one day on the floor and take turns playing songs and telling each other why they’re great. Just feeling the music and knowing the stories and the feelings behind why the other person likes it. Take me to your favorite place. Tell me why it’s the greatest place on earth.
I want someone who knows that I am infinitesimally better at writing how I feel about things, than talking about them. I want someone who knows that you’ve got to practically use the Socratic Method to get my feelings out of me. But knows that when something really truly bothers me, I’ll make sure you know. I want to stand up for what I believe in. Have healthy debates and lively conversations.
There’s so much more. The list could go on and on forever.
I’m over games. I’m over ‘talking’. I’m over questioning every little thing. If you want me in your life, you’ll make it known, won’t you? If you want to be a part of all or some of these things (because let’s admit it, friends can do a lot of these things) you’ll say something, won’t you?
As much as I’d die to be a mind reader (I want to be a mind reader. And fly. And refill things. And maybe occasionally turn invisible) I am not any of those things. I won’t know something unless you come right out and say it. I can’t do any of these things until I break out of my occasionally uncomfortable shell. And if you think I’m awkward, or I’m boring, I can promise you that I’m not.
I may have not been a lot of places or done a whole lot of your ‘normal’ things but I can promise you that I am interesting. I’ve had an interesting story that comes into play where all of my wants are concerned. No one gets to where they are just by standing still, do they? We’ve all come from some place. We’ve all seen things, and they are different things and all of them are wonderful and horrible and beautiful – no one’s story is just a page or two long.
If you think that of me, you should either put me back on the shelf for someone else to pick up, or try looking a little deeper. Write your name in the back of that book, say “Yes, I want to know more. I want to experience this and be a part of this.” Otherwise, you’ll never know. I’ll never know. We’ll never know. I do know that I am tired of being stuck in the balance – on the shelf or in your hand.
Make your intentions known. Be bold.
If you enjoyed this post, I recommend you explore a little more. I post more frequently the to DEAR section - there you can also find a form where you can sign up to get e-mails every time I update.
Those post also tend to be more realistic - whereas the ones in this section are more fictional than anything. Happy Reading & thanks for checking this out! Feel free to leave comments!