This is a deeply personal piece. I wrote it nearly a year ago, and I have finally come to a point in my life where I am comfortable with what I've written below to share it with people. Things don't always turn out how you want them to, but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. I see that now.
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Have you ever loved someone so deeply, so immensley, that you could feel it in the very fiber of your being? That just the sound of their name was enough to make every neuron in your body fire up with electric energy? It sends your adrenaline rushing, moving through your veins with a rapid fire quickness that makes you feel like the world is spinning. You don't know up from down, left from right, black from white...all you can see is their beautiful, perfect face in front of yours and everything else drops away. It is like they are the center of your universe. The sun shines just to glow around them, surround them with perfect lighting at any given moment. The moon is there only to provide a flawless silhouette while you sneak kisses in the darkness.
If you have, good for you. If you haven't, keep searching. Don't settle for anything else. And if you happen to find this particular addicting, head-spinning kind of love...hold onto it. Don't ever let it go.
I thought that I knew that kind of love. I'm positive that I had it, actually.
Sometimes it really did feel like he loved me the same way. Just as much, even. Those moments were rare. In the moment, it felt like it was all of the time. Looking back at it now, it didn't seem to happen as often as it should have. This sad fact deeply wounds me, right down to my very soul.
I tend to wrap my head around only the very good moments. It is a great downfall of mine.
I think too much about the music we shared. The nights cuddling next each other, his long, lanky arms wrapped warmly and tightly around me while he whispers to me to go to sleep, that he'll be there when I wake up. I think too much about the road trip we took to Boston to see an incredible band, and how after walking around for hours in the pouring rain to find our hotel that was ironically in front of us the whole time, he still held me close at the show and serended me when the band played our favorite song.
How he promised that he'd catch me, always.
Those are the moments that I cherish the most. Of course those are the moments I cherish most! OF COURSE! They're the good ones!
No one wants to think of the terrible moments. Of when you're lying next to each other in the dark and he says out loud that he can't be the person that you want him to be. How even now, you wish he would just take those words back and finally get some sense and come around, like the last two months just didn't happen. Like he didn't rip your heart right from your chest and then step on it.
Alas, life isn't that easy. We can't compartmentalize things into pretty little boxes like we'd like. Life is downright messy. And you do some really stupid things.
You just can't give it up with these crazy thought processes. Your neurons still fire the same way that they did before. You still get that jolt of electricity that you did, but this time there's something more to it. Before, when your neurons were rapidly firing at the thought of them, it was absolutely amazing. You couldn't imagine a better feeling than that.
But now...oh now you still get that same feeling, but it also hurts. Like an actual jolt of electricity. Or maybe more like a bad drug. You know it's terrible for you and that you should stop. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU SHOULD STOP. But you can't help it. You're addicted to the pain, to the shitty feeling that it gives you while also giving you pleasure at the same time. It's sick. It's an illness, something that you should really seek help for. Some days are better than others. Some days, he barely ever crosses your mind. Maybe he doesn't at all that day.
But there will be days where he will be all that you can think about. He will become all-consuming with his power that he has over you. And it will drive you crazy. Absolutely insane. You will suddenly develop the inability to function at a normal human level. You will become an emotional hurricane some days. Other days you will be a zombie, uncaring, unfeeling of the world around you.
And it will hurt like pain you've never experienced before. They don't have anything specifically formulated for a broken heart that's confused.
Luckily, however, they do have sleep aids for the nights when you can't stop listening to music that makes you think of them. For the nights when you sit up late, writing silly stories about how they broke your heart into trillions of pieces. Praise science for creating something that will make you pass out before you can send a text telling them how much you miss them. Only to be met with either silence, or song lyrics that makes you hate them even more than you already do.
It's all very conflicting.
And there's no easy answer.
Which makes you wonder, is it worth it? IS ANY OF IT WORTH IT? No matter what, one or more people will always end up being hurt. And what can you do about it? End it and walk away before you cause too much damage? What if you're miserable because you know that you're missing out on something pretty great? In this scenerio, is there a lesser of two evils? Because that' really what it is....two evils. Neither side is really a clearly winning side full of nothing but good.
No matter what....at the end of the day...it all ends up hurting regardless.
That's just life for you.
_____________
Have you ever loved someone so deeply, so immensley, that you could feel it in the very fiber of your being? That just the sound of their name was enough to make every neuron in your body fire up with electric energy? It sends your adrenaline rushing, moving through your veins with a rapid fire quickness that makes you feel like the world is spinning. You don't know up from down, left from right, black from white...all you can see is their beautiful, perfect face in front of yours and everything else drops away. It is like they are the center of your universe. The sun shines just to glow around them, surround them with perfect lighting at any given moment. The moon is there only to provide a flawless silhouette while you sneak kisses in the darkness.
If you have, good for you. If you haven't, keep searching. Don't settle for anything else. And if you happen to find this particular addicting, head-spinning kind of love...hold onto it. Don't ever let it go.
I thought that I knew that kind of love. I'm positive that I had it, actually.
Sometimes it really did feel like he loved me the same way. Just as much, even. Those moments were rare. In the moment, it felt like it was all of the time. Looking back at it now, it didn't seem to happen as often as it should have. This sad fact deeply wounds me, right down to my very soul.
I tend to wrap my head around only the very good moments. It is a great downfall of mine.
I think too much about the music we shared. The nights cuddling next each other, his long, lanky arms wrapped warmly and tightly around me while he whispers to me to go to sleep, that he'll be there when I wake up. I think too much about the road trip we took to Boston to see an incredible band, and how after walking around for hours in the pouring rain to find our hotel that was ironically in front of us the whole time, he still held me close at the show and serended me when the band played our favorite song.
How he promised that he'd catch me, always.
Those are the moments that I cherish the most. Of course those are the moments I cherish most! OF COURSE! They're the good ones!
No one wants to think of the terrible moments. Of when you're lying next to each other in the dark and he says out loud that he can't be the person that you want him to be. How even now, you wish he would just take those words back and finally get some sense and come around, like the last two months just didn't happen. Like he didn't rip your heart right from your chest and then step on it.
Alas, life isn't that easy. We can't compartmentalize things into pretty little boxes like we'd like. Life is downright messy. And you do some really stupid things.
You just can't give it up with these crazy thought processes. Your neurons still fire the same way that they did before. You still get that jolt of electricity that you did, but this time there's something more to it. Before, when your neurons were rapidly firing at the thought of them, it was absolutely amazing. You couldn't imagine a better feeling than that.
But now...oh now you still get that same feeling, but it also hurts. Like an actual jolt of electricity. Or maybe more like a bad drug. You know it's terrible for you and that you should stop. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU SHOULD STOP. But you can't help it. You're addicted to the pain, to the shitty feeling that it gives you while also giving you pleasure at the same time. It's sick. It's an illness, something that you should really seek help for. Some days are better than others. Some days, he barely ever crosses your mind. Maybe he doesn't at all that day.
But there will be days where he will be all that you can think about. He will become all-consuming with his power that he has over you. And it will drive you crazy. Absolutely insane. You will suddenly develop the inability to function at a normal human level. You will become an emotional hurricane some days. Other days you will be a zombie, uncaring, unfeeling of the world around you.
And it will hurt like pain you've never experienced before. They don't have anything specifically formulated for a broken heart that's confused.
Luckily, however, they do have sleep aids for the nights when you can't stop listening to music that makes you think of them. For the nights when you sit up late, writing silly stories about how they broke your heart into trillions of pieces. Praise science for creating something that will make you pass out before you can send a text telling them how much you miss them. Only to be met with either silence, or song lyrics that makes you hate them even more than you already do.
It's all very conflicting.
And there's no easy answer.
Which makes you wonder, is it worth it? IS ANY OF IT WORTH IT? No matter what, one or more people will always end up being hurt. And what can you do about it? End it and walk away before you cause too much damage? What if you're miserable because you know that you're missing out on something pretty great? In this scenerio, is there a lesser of two evils? Because that' really what it is....two evils. Neither side is really a clearly winning side full of nothing but good.
No matter what....at the end of the day...it all ends up hurting regardless.
That's just life for you.