There’s this interesting phenomenon in dating that I’ve noticed. It’s the concept of “We’re just talking.”
People…what the hell is this nonsense? We’re just talking?
Let me be clear here: My generation has undoubtedly done and created some really fucking stupid concepts, but the idea of ‘talking’ in terms of ‘dating’ is absolute horseshit.
For you old folks in the audience who can’t keep up, or don’t know what I’m talking about – here’s how it works:
Person 1 asks Person 2 out on a date. They do indeed talk to one another, in the sense that they exchange conversation for some period of time before, during, and after said date. They might hang out for a few weeks, go on a few dates. Inevitably, one person wants to put some kind of label on the situation. Labels, as ‘bad’ as they are to society as a whole, are generally incredibly helpful when it comes to relationships and interpersonal communications. They set boundaries and expectations - make clear guidelines for behaviors and attitudes.
Let’s say Person 1 is really into Person 2 and wants to maybe take things to another level (whatever that may mean for this particular pairing – people move at different speeds) and so Person 1 asks Person 2 “What are we?”
There are a lot of answers to this question traditionally.
“Oh – we’re just casually seeing each other” translates to “We’re seeing each other, but not seriously, and probably not exclusively.”
“I adore your face – I’m serious about you, and want to be only with you” translates to “I’m gonna date the shit out of you. I’m serious. Let’s do this thing!”
“I really like you, but I’m just not ready for a serious relationship yet. I still want to see you though” translates to exactly what it says. It says “Hey, yes, you’ve got potential but I don’t want to rush things.”
“Oh – I only see you as a friend, I’m sorry” equals FRIENDZONE. Sorry, bro.
Or a favorite, “I really only like you as a hookup. I don’t want to date you, I just want to fuck” translates to what it means: Let’s do the pants off dance off.
ANY of these are acceptable answers. Actual sentences, with reasoning attached to it. Logic. Deduction. Consideration for the other person.
Do you know what it not acceptable, because it doesn’t make any fucking sense?
That’s right, “We’re just talking.” This has becoming an acceptable thing to say in our culture. This is the saddest cop out for admitting how you feel about a person, or what you expect from them that I have ever seen.
We’re just talking? Okay. Well, on a daily basis, I talk to thirty or more people. Talking….it’s a physical interaction, the act of communicating and conveying thoughts and ideas to all sorts of people on all sorts of topics and concepts.
I talk to patients, I talk to friends, and I talk to family and to coworkers. I talk to guys that are interested in me. I talk to random people on the internet on Twitter or Instagram or Facebook. I talk to strangers in the store. I talk to my kid’s friends. I talk to my neighbors.
What you’re saying when you say that we’re ‘talking’ means that I’m nothing special to you. If I talk to this many people in a day, I’m sure that you do, too.
Talking. So nonchalant. So ordinary. So stupid.
Just explain yourself. Is it really too much to ask you to give a real definition to what we’ve got going on here? While you’re sitting here telling me how much you ‘like’ me but you don’t want to say that we’re actually dating or what, I’ve got other opportunities passing me by. Maybe while I’m ‘talking’ to you someone else is trying to hit me up to do something that I’d much rather be doing with you, because I like to go out and experience things? Maybe some other guy has hit me up, asked me to go to the movies and out to dinner, or to grab a drink. Chances are, I’m going to turn him down because I really do like you, and I’m sort of just waiting for you to come around, and I’m praying that you’ll offer to do that exact same thing.
So my question to the world is this:
If we’re just ‘talking’ can I go out with these other people? Can I kiss these people? Hold their hand? Do more than that?How long should I wait for you to figure out how you feel about me? If I don’t give you butterflies, if my name on your phone doesn’t excite you, if I’m not who you think about in your spare time, if I’m the one always hitting you up without any reciprocation…then what the hell are we doing? When should I draw the line?
If you’re just not into it, say so. If you just want sex, say so. If you’re unsure or uneasy or need more time, say so. It’s not hard, I promise. Being real with a person is probably the most important aspect of developing any kind of relationship with anyone. If you can’t be honest, why bother?
Just know: If you ever tell me in person that you're 'just talking' to someone, I very well may totally lose my cool with you. You might get this tirade in person, so take some time and think about what it is you want from the people that you engage with. You can 'talk' to anyone, anytime - there's nothing special about that.
People…what the hell is this nonsense? We’re just talking?
Let me be clear here: My generation has undoubtedly done and created some really fucking stupid concepts, but the idea of ‘talking’ in terms of ‘dating’ is absolute horseshit.
For you old folks in the audience who can’t keep up, or don’t know what I’m talking about – here’s how it works:
Person 1 asks Person 2 out on a date. They do indeed talk to one another, in the sense that they exchange conversation for some period of time before, during, and after said date. They might hang out for a few weeks, go on a few dates. Inevitably, one person wants to put some kind of label on the situation. Labels, as ‘bad’ as they are to society as a whole, are generally incredibly helpful when it comes to relationships and interpersonal communications. They set boundaries and expectations - make clear guidelines for behaviors and attitudes.
Let’s say Person 1 is really into Person 2 and wants to maybe take things to another level (whatever that may mean for this particular pairing – people move at different speeds) and so Person 1 asks Person 2 “What are we?”
There are a lot of answers to this question traditionally.
“Oh – we’re just casually seeing each other” translates to “We’re seeing each other, but not seriously, and probably not exclusively.”
“I adore your face – I’m serious about you, and want to be only with you” translates to “I’m gonna date the shit out of you. I’m serious. Let’s do this thing!”
“I really like you, but I’m just not ready for a serious relationship yet. I still want to see you though” translates to exactly what it says. It says “Hey, yes, you’ve got potential but I don’t want to rush things.”
“Oh – I only see you as a friend, I’m sorry” equals FRIENDZONE. Sorry, bro.
Or a favorite, “I really only like you as a hookup. I don’t want to date you, I just want to fuck” translates to what it means: Let’s do the pants off dance off.
ANY of these are acceptable answers. Actual sentences, with reasoning attached to it. Logic. Deduction. Consideration for the other person.
Do you know what it not acceptable, because it doesn’t make any fucking sense?
That’s right, “We’re just talking.” This has becoming an acceptable thing to say in our culture. This is the saddest cop out for admitting how you feel about a person, or what you expect from them that I have ever seen.
We’re just talking? Okay. Well, on a daily basis, I talk to thirty or more people. Talking….it’s a physical interaction, the act of communicating and conveying thoughts and ideas to all sorts of people on all sorts of topics and concepts.
I talk to patients, I talk to friends, and I talk to family and to coworkers. I talk to guys that are interested in me. I talk to random people on the internet on Twitter or Instagram or Facebook. I talk to strangers in the store. I talk to my kid’s friends. I talk to my neighbors.
What you’re saying when you say that we’re ‘talking’ means that I’m nothing special to you. If I talk to this many people in a day, I’m sure that you do, too.
Talking. So nonchalant. So ordinary. So stupid.
Just explain yourself. Is it really too much to ask you to give a real definition to what we’ve got going on here? While you’re sitting here telling me how much you ‘like’ me but you don’t want to say that we’re actually dating or what, I’ve got other opportunities passing me by. Maybe while I’m ‘talking’ to you someone else is trying to hit me up to do something that I’d much rather be doing with you, because I like to go out and experience things? Maybe some other guy has hit me up, asked me to go to the movies and out to dinner, or to grab a drink. Chances are, I’m going to turn him down because I really do like you, and I’m sort of just waiting for you to come around, and I’m praying that you’ll offer to do that exact same thing.
So my question to the world is this:
If we’re just ‘talking’ can I go out with these other people? Can I kiss these people? Hold their hand? Do more than that?How long should I wait for you to figure out how you feel about me? If I don’t give you butterflies, if my name on your phone doesn’t excite you, if I’m not who you think about in your spare time, if I’m the one always hitting you up without any reciprocation…then what the hell are we doing? When should I draw the line?
If you’re just not into it, say so. If you just want sex, say so. If you’re unsure or uneasy or need more time, say so. It’s not hard, I promise. Being real with a person is probably the most important aspect of developing any kind of relationship with anyone. If you can’t be honest, why bother?
Just know: If you ever tell me in person that you're 'just talking' to someone, I very well may totally lose my cool with you. You might get this tirade in person, so take some time and think about what it is you want from the people that you engage with. You can 'talk' to anyone, anytime - there's nothing special about that.